Games People Play: You Must Be an Idiot!

Craig Finnestad

July 15th, 2007

Introduction – We all have difficult people in our lives…

• Some we know
• Some we don’t know
• We work with some
• We go to school with some
  We live by some
• We live with some
• We are related to some
• We are in the same church as some

Picture a person you don’t understand, have problems with, when you see them you get a pit in your stomach, etc…

Who is a difficult person in your life?

Two things you must know

A. You probably aren’t going to change this person.

B. So what we are going to look at has a whole lot less to do with how to change other people and a whole lot more to do with our reaction to difficult people.

1. Who we are determines how we view others

The first question we must ask: Have I examined myself and taken responsibility for who I am?

Read Matthew 7:3-5

And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

Is Jesus speaking to you with the above passage?

Person from Colorado moved to Texas and built a house with a large window overlooking the rangeland. He could see hundreds of miles of rangeland. When asked if he enjoyed the view, he replied, “The only problem is that there is nothing to see.”

Person from Texas moved to Colorado and built a house with a large window overlooking the mountains. When asked how he liked the view, he replied, “The only problem with this place is that you can’t see anything because all those mountains are in the way.”

How does this story teach us that who we are determines what we see?

The first person I must know is myself—self awareness.

The first person I must get along with is myself—self-image

The first person to cause me problems is myself—self-honesty

The first person I must change is myself—self-improvement

The first person that can make a difference is myself—self-responsibility

What do you need to change about yourself to get along better with others?

Or, what is the log in our own eye that needs to be removed before we start worrying about the speck of dust in our neighbor’s eye?

2. Never use a hammer to swat a fly off someone’s head?

The second question we must ask: Would others say I overact to small things in a relationship?

One of our aims and desires in life is to be more like God. The Psalmist tells in Psalm 145:8 what God is like.

The LORD is merciful and compassionate,
      slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

How are you merciful?

How are you compassionate?

Are you slow to get angry?

Are you filled with unfailing love?

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Control your temper,
      for anger labels you a fool.

Has your temper got you into trouble recently?

Here are three ways not to overreact:

Get the Total Picture

Listen…ask questions
Listen again…ask more questions
Listen some more…then respond
Just listen and listen some more.

Our ears rarely get us into too much trouble.
Our mouth is much more likely to do that.

What can you do to become a better listener?

Timing

“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” –Lady Dorothy Nevill

Ecclesiastes 3:7

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

Have you been hurt by somebody who has spoke too soon?

Tone

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer deflects anger,
      but harsh words make tempers flare.

How is your tone when you are talking with others? Is it gentle?

3. Instead of putting others in their place; we must put ourselves in their place

The third question we must ask: Do I try to see things from other’s point of view?

Romans 12:3

Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves,

Do we generally think too highly of ourselves? Why?

Luke 6:36

You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

Compassion is the capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy for you too. –Frederick Buechner

How is your compassion level at the present time?

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north altitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

I am replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly you’ve not been much help to me at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “How did you know?”

“Well,” the woman said, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. That fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you’ve managed to make it my fault.”

When we fail to see things from the perspective of others we will fail in our relationships.

How are you doing at seeing life from the perspective of others?

4. Caring for people should precede confronting them

The fourth question we must ask: Do I care enough to confront in the right way?

Conflict is like cancer: early detection increases the possibility of a healthy outcome.

Two things about conflict we all need to know:

1) Conflict is unavoidable
2) Confrontation is difficult

Matthew 18:15-17

If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

How do you deal with conflict? Do you avoid it?

How did Craig's explanation of this passage help you understand conflict resolution better?

When we confront; make sure we have cared first.

5. Never let the situation mean more than the relationship

The fifth question we must ask: Do I put situations ahead of my relationships?

Matthew 7:24-27

Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house (these are the situations), it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock (this is the relationship). But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, (we don’t have a solid relationship) like a person who builds a house on sand. 27 When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, (the situations) it will collapse with a mighty crash.

How have situations in the past hurt some of your most important relationships?

Did these situations need to adversely effect your relationships?

6. We go to a higher level when we treat others better than they treat us

The sixth question we must ask: Do I treat others better than they treat me?

Luke 6:38

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.

How is what Jesus tells us different than what culture tells us about giving?

Culture tells us to treat others like they deserve to be treated.

Jesus gives us a better way…treat others better than they deserve to be treated.

Keep a fair-sized cemetery in your back yard, in which to bury the faults of your friends. –Henry Ward Beecher

How are you doing at going to a higher level of burying the friends of your faults?

Die when I may, I want it said of me by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow. –Abraham Lincoln

Where are you replacing thistles with flowers?

A successful person in life is the one who can lay a solid foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him or her.

We all will have bricks thrown at us. What are you doing with your brinks?

Throwing them back?

Or, building a foundation for a better future?